Sure, of course. Me too, from time to time. It’s addictive, it’s pretty much effortless, and it offers the possibility of stimulating a (potentially) impassioned conversation, more or less instantly. And that is generally hell of a lot more interesting than talking about the weather, unless a hurricane happens to be approaching.
By it’s very nature, to gossip is to turn your worldview not quite outwards (generally a good thing) but rather sideways. This makes it possible to comment and critisise from an angle where comments are relatively – though not necessarily entirely – depersonalised, since they are not generally directly about you (as the gossiper) or about anybody in the room (at least not anybody who is listening). And this in turn makes the chance that gossip will immediately slingshot or ricochet back and hit you relatively low. Not impossible, just more unlikely. We’ll come back to this point shortly.
Through gossip, one has the possibility to express a viewpoint in an indirect manner, without appearing to actively commit to it, or for that matter even clearly express what this viewpoint really is and what it means. This is why gossip – whether about colleagues not present, or about famous personalities, politicians, and so forth, makes such great lunchtime conversation in office cafeterias around the world. You can go away from such a conversation being none the wiser about the true feelings and opinions of those involved.
Through the use of gossip, it is possible to create a sort of contradictory state, where one can even appear to be highly opinionated, without actually expressing much of a concrete opinion at all.
For all of these reasons, it can be rather hard to pin somebody down for having one viewpoint or another when they are limiting themselves to gossip. This is the reason why gossipy conversation can be protracted, charged with a particular sort of emotion, and yet so incredibly superficial at the same time.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be like this. Gossip can also serve – and often do – as a point of entry into a much deeper, personal and emotional discussion. We’ll also return to this point shortly. First, let’s further consider the nature of gossip.
Implications …and backpedalling
Gossip often hinges around ‘implications’ – implied opinions.
By commenting on a situation, one is implying – sometime explicitly – a level of either agreement or disagreement. While it is possible to extrapolate that this approval or disapproval represents the wider viewpoint of the gossiper regarding the issue in question, this may or may not be the case. Caveat emptor – buyer beware, you could say! 
So it’s pretty easy to hide behind gossip. By using a situation or statements of someone else to imply a deeper level of agreement or disagreement, one avoids having to make any (obvious) value statement of judgement of their own. One need not involve their own actions and life experiences in the conversation – even if the gossip in question involves some people and events that may well seem outrageous, unbelievable, strange, unlikely or otherwise. Because of this, backpedalling is always possible, should anyone attempt to call a gossiper out regarding any opinion they many have implied. In such a situation, the gossiper can then either proclaim their opinion to be limited to this specific person and/or situation in question, or they can simply deny that this is what they were implying. And when such challenges are made, it is my experience that such backpedalling does happen.
Hiding quietly behind gossip
This manner of hiding behind gossip can also be seen in a more subtle method, which we have all been guilty of at one time or another. This is the case where a situation is brought up in an open-ended though entirely intentional way, in order to first gage the reaction to it from those around us.
Only after this reaction has occurred, do we express an opinion of our own and commit to our own particular position on the matter. And let’s face it, in one way or another, it is quite common to tailor this opinion we offer to match the crowd around us, whether that is simply by choosing not to reveal our true feelings, or simply by adjusting the very opinion we reveal, so it will or won’t cause, depending upon whether we feel like being provocative, or sitting on our hands quietly.
Which brings us back to the essence of gossip.
Is gossip wrong?
Does all of the above imply that gossip is wrong? No, not necessarily. That’s not really the point. As I mentioned earlier, gossip can serve as an effective entry point into a deep, meaningful, and highly personal conversation that is both interesting and revealing.
The trick is to be aware of the addictive nature of gossip as a means to communicate impersonally – and as a means for abdicating responsibility. If you never flesh out your own opinions and then stand behind them – and this is not at all to say that you shouldn’t be open-minded and respect the viewpoints of others and be influened by strong, compelling arguments – then are you really taking full responsibility? In particular, a pertinent question if whether the people you are surrounding yourself with on a daily basis really the ones best suited to helping you match your work and friendships with a higher purpose in life. Are you really on the clearest path to matching and fulfilling your highest purpose, if you sit idly, never offering an opinion that really comes from the heart?
Here’s a simple trick for doing this.
Think about recent situations when you have been engaged in gossip, for one reason or another. Is there a pattern, for example, certain moments when you are most likely to be involved in gossiping? Perhaps it is with friends. Perhaps it is while sitting in the office. Or while eating lunch each day.
When you think about these situations, can you see a pattern where you can go day after day, even week after week, without meaningfully committing to opinions of your own? Do the people with whom you are regularly engaged in the gossip ones who you would say really know the real you? Do you really know them? Do you find yourself thinking back on conversations, and thinking ‘hmmm, did I really say that?’ or ‘did I really agree with that?’, or ‘I wonder what so and so really meant by that?’.
Are you satisfied with the level of interaction of these conversations? Are you taking a satisfying degree of responsibility in relation to the activities connected to these relationships, or are you giving it away?
If the answer is ‘no’, it may be worth considering whether or not the relationship involved are really one that are serving the highest purpose in your life, or if they are really just a kind of clutter that is largely an inefficient use of time, in the bigger picture. Naturally, not everybody in your life will be somebody with whom you have a deep, direct engagement.
I’ve come to realise over the years, that most of my best friends are extremely bad at gossiping – that is, they don’t really gossip about others, or know how to. I tend to be bemused by those with a proclivity for gossip – but I become extremely guarded about my own opinions around them.
Confidence
Being in the presence of somebody who really doesn’t gossip requires quite a significant level of personal confidence. Self-confidence. It’s a realisation that came to me quite suddenly, when I was thinking about why I was more or less comfortable around various people – especially ones who I interacted with for one reason or another on a regular basis.
It makes sense, when you stop and think about it.
When you don’t have gossip to fall back upon, you have to pretty quickly learn to state and stand up for your own opinions. To consistently do this requires self-confidence. Without this, it is difficult to consistently be clear and confident about your feelings and beliefs. Even when you are not sure of how you feel about something, you have to have the confidence to acknowledge exactly this – even if you are the only one in the room to do so, rather than simply trying to metaphorically sneak out the back door either by quietly agreeing, or by simply not saying anything at all.
For those lacking confidence, gossip is a great escape hatch since the conversation is so depersonalised.
When you start a conversation that is entirely dependent upon you expressing own experiences and feelings, the ground is far more solid. Though certainly not impossible, it is just a little more difficult to slip and slide from one opinion to another when the situation is personal, and it has been clearly laid it out for all to see and examine – and comment on!
This doesn’t mean that removing yourself from these situations is necessarily the best response. Could you take a more opinionated stand from time to time, thereby challenging others to do the same? If you don’t consider it worthwhile doing, you again have to question whether the greater situation is truly contributing to your higher purpose, or if it is just getting in the way of finding the path towards it.
